Friday, February 17, 2012

What I Have Learned in 38+ Years

1.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - most people suck until they prove themselves otherwise.
2.  There is nothing that can't be cured with a bottle of wine and a pint of Ben and Jerry's.
3.  Panty hose should not be worn with open-toed shoes - EVER.
4.  Toddlers are the spawn of Satan.
5.  If stuck on a desert island, the only food one needs to survive is peanut butter. 
6.  Whoever invented peanut M&Ms should be taken out and shot.  I cannot have that shit in my house.  I can, and I have, eaten an entire pound bag in one sitting.
7.  Eat what you want, exercise like hell.
8.  Yoga is the best reset button.
9.  The two best smells on earth - fresh coffee and movie theater popcorn. 
10.  Hair bands do make real music.
11.  There is no need for a man to take an hour in the bathroom every morning reading a newspaper and doing his business.  Learn from a woman - get in, get out, nobody gets hurt.
12.  Email is the best thing ever invented and the worst thing ever invented.
13.  Only Heidi Klum should wear skinny jeans.
14.  They say that the memory of being pregnant fades over time.  Let me assure you, it does not.
15.  Men who get pedicures are creepy.
16.  People who don't take their kids to daycare and say that they are working from home are BIG FAT LIARS. 
17.  I can fry an egg and boil pasta noodles - what else do I need to know about cooking?
18.  Most women do not appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night for sex.  Rolling over in our sleep does not equal an invitation.
19.  Not even a supermodel looks good in a polo shirt. 
20.  Sushi is the best food EVER.  Red velvet cupcakes run a strong second.